The Life of a Lost Girl

At least once in your life you get asked the question “Who are you?”, “What makes you different from everyone else?”, or “What makes you special?”. How would you answer that question? Because honestly I have no idea who I am. It’s kinda funny how I know the person I want to be and the person I don’t want to be, but I still don’t know myself. I have all these engravings of celebrities, society, people, even things that inspire me, so it makes it hard for me to know who I actually am. It’s easier for me to say the person I don’t want to be, but surprise surprise I find myself like that person. I spend most of my time dreaming than living. I’m a daily dreamer. I dream of living next to the beach with a book in my hand feeling the warm breeze on my skin, imagining myself as another person, go to Hollywood and try to become an actress, or become a traveler. My favorite one would be move to Hollywood. I lived in that dream. Raise enough money, find a roommate to share an apartment, get a job as a waitress while on the side I try to make it big. What if I do try to make my dreams into reality would I be happy? Would I be content with the person I’ve become? I feel like no matter where I would end up it won’t change me. I’ll still be falling back into my bad habits. Like, I thought when I arrived in college I would feel different, better, but I don’t. I expected to change to the person I wanted to be. I feel like I changed, but not the person I wanted to be. It’s funny how I still feel like the same person, yet feel like I’ve changed. The thing is I wasn’t happy with myself back then, and I’m not happy with myself now. For me, I feel like I’m myself in another person’s world. And I’m trying to figure out who that person is and it’s the most confusing, lost feeling. Even when I’ve been in that person’s world for my entire life, and I still don’t know that person. So, back to the question “Who are you?” my answer would always be the same until I get to the point in my life where I truly know. I don’t know when that point will come, but I do know it will be when I’m old and I look back at my life and smile. In that moment I’ll know. You’re always changing, and it’s not always easy to keep up. The thing is you have to live your life completely for you to find yourself in the end. You were born not knowing who you were, so at the end you will know.

Remember: It’s okay not to know yourself completely that’s why you have  to live to figure it out.

Love, T

The face behind the makeup

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For some reason I’ve been feeling… lost? I think lost is the right word. I just feel like crap, and honestly I don’t know why.  I don’t feel like myself. I’m not really sure who I am. I started thinking about my past, and all things that I let slide. Like people taking advantage of me, and how stupid am I for not doing anything about it. I don’t blame them, I blame myself. If I really don’t like people treating me like nothing then I should do something about it. And it’s funny that I act that I’m okay with it. I put this perfect, nice, happy persona of me for the world, but that’s not really me. Sometimes I act happy, but I’m not. Most of the time I act okay about things, but I’m not. I guess I’m afraid to hurt other people, so I let them hurt me. I’m tired of being nice. Well being nice to people who hurt me. I guess I have to learn to say no. To stand up to people. To respect myself. If I want people to respect me then I have to respect myself, and it’s funny that I haven’t thought about that before. I always believed that it was useless, but now I  see that people assume they can treat me like nothing because I let them. Not anymore.

Remember: You have to be selfish sometimes.

Love, T